Foundation Parenting Boundaries

"If you attempt to punish without learning to praise you will find your children's behavior
getting worse.

Remember, children will go for punishment if they
cannot figure out how to
earn positive attention.

If you do not teach them
how to earn your praise
through cooperation,
they will continue to misbehave to get negative attention
(punishment)... "

After the punishment
(time-out, consequence)
is over and your child
has stopped the intolerable behavior
or begun to do a behavior you like,

you need to give him
a way back
into the family.

Holding grudges and
keeping cold silences serve
no purpose.

Limit setting tools are most effective when used sparingly. They can be overused. By using praising, ignoring and invitations to cooperate to reduce the majority of undesirable behaviors, you keep your limit setting tools as a powerful back-up.

"Many of our limit setting techniques, such as family meeting
or giving commands,
require praising to be effective.

They will not work without it. You must be able and willing to praise before attempting to set limits.... "

The Limit Setting Tools

ANNOUNCEMENTS
COMMANDS
BROKEN RECORD
WARNINGS AND CONSEQUENCES
TIME-OUT

A child must know the world
doesn't end when he has broken a rule
or angered his parents.

He must know how to begin to earn your praise
and encouragement
and
you must be ready to give it....

An ANNOUNCEMENT
is a statement that lets your child know that a command is coming and soon she will have to stop what she is doing and do something else.

Give announcements when you need to interrupt your children. You may get resistance and protests at times, but you are more likely to get cooperation if you prepare them than if you use a direct command.

MAKING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Identify a behavior you want from your child
.
Rather than waiting until the moment you need the behavior done, give your child an announcement five, ten, or at the most fifteen minutes earlier.

For a child under five, say "three more times..."

Examples
Announcement---"Three more times down the slide and we'll have to go home."
Command--- Three slides later: "David it's time to go now."

Announcement---"Susie, in five minutes you will need to pack your backpack for school. " Command--- Five minutes later: "Susie, it's time to pack for school."

EYES--Establish eye contact

WORDS--Name the behavior you want your child to stop or start. It helps your child to know exactly what you want.
Wrong: Stop that! Correct:Put those scissors on the table.

Naming the desired behavior tells her exactly what to do. It gives the child a chance to comply immediately and gives you an opportunity to praise her.

BE SURE TO PHRASE YOUR COMMANDS AS A STATEMENT--
NOT A QUESTION

Don't ask a question unless you will accept a "no" for an answer.
Don't ask: Don't you think it's time for bed?
Say: It's time for bed.

Don't ask: Would you like to take your bath?
Say: Take your bath now, please.

VOICE

Your tone should be neutral, firm,
but not angry.

No matter how angry you feel,
try to remain calm.

I am not saying you should hide your anger from your child, just that your commands will be more effective if you appear to be in control.

TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY

For a command to be effective you must say it as if you mean it. A child who feels you are committed is more likely to cooperate with you.

It's best to make up your mind, commit yourself to wanting a behavior started or stopped, then give the command.

The Broken Record technique,
the simple repeating of the command,
is a wonderful tool for combating arguing or D.T. (diversionary tactics).

To be effective you should remain very calm
and not change a word of your message.

If your child does the broken record back to you,
give up.
Use a warning or a consequence.

EXAMPLE

Dad: "It's time for bed, Josh."
Josh: "But it's only 8:30"
Dad: "It's time for bed, Josh."
Josh: "No one else in my class has to go to bed at 8:30"
Dad: "It's time for bed, Josh."
Josh: "Everybody but me gets to watch TV 'till 9:30"
Dad: "It's time for bed, Josh."
Josh: "It's not fair."
Dad: "It's time for bed, Josh."
Josh: "Why do you keep saying that?"
Dad: "It's time for bed, Josh."
Josh: "All right, all right, just stop saying that stupid "It's time for bed."
Dad: "thank you, Josh. I'll be up in a minute to kiss you good night."

Use a warning of a consequence
when your child ignores your command
and you need to use another level of limit setting.

Be sure to name the behavior you want stopped
and name the consequence which you will give.

A minimal consequence is usually effective.

If the behavior continues you must follow through with the consequence IMMEDIATELY

Unless it's dangerous, always try to give a warning before giving a consequence.
It spells out clearly to the child what he can expect if he continues the behavior.
It also gives him an opportunity to take responsibility for his own actions.
He can continue and be punished or he can stop the behavior and get praise.

If the child earns a consequence
and then does the behavior again a little later,
you don't need to give a second warning.

In general, it is best if you can link the consequence to the problem behavior
--- logical or natural consequences. ---

Be careful in your choice of consequences.
The idea is to set a limit, not devastate.

Never ever take away a privilege that
your child has worked hard to earn.

A short term consequence is more effective than a long term one.

A consequence more than a day long is wasted energy for you all.
The longer the consequence, the fewer options you have.

Use of the telephone might be your only good consequence for a pre-adolescent, But if you deny her use of the telephone for two weeks,
what can you use if you need a consequence tomorrow?

A short term consequence can help teach self-control
It gives the child the opportunity to try again soon, not several days later.