Think back to when you held a baby in your arms. Remember how good that felt to you and to your baby. I had a baby who would stop breathing when I laid him down. I carried him in a backpack next to my breast. He felt so good there snuggled next to me. I knew he was safe. He knew he was safe.
Cuddling a baby in your arms gives that new life a sense of safety and security. When the baby cries, you hold him close, rock him, sooth his fears, calm him. You meet his need for human contact which assures him that even though he is helpless there is someone who will take care of him.
Why Should I cuddle my child?
THE CHILD NEEDS TO TRUST!
A child who has been neglected, abused, or has lost important people in his
life has learned to distrust adults. He needs to return to the beginning.
He needs to learn to trust you.
The rocking and cuddling, looking into each others eyes, feeling each others
touch, promotes attachment and bonding.
The child learns that there is an adult who loves and cares enough about him to spend time together in your arms. There is an adult who can recognize, identify and is strong enough to handle all of his feelings and still love him...
...EVEN WHEN HE IS MOST UNLOVABLE.
THE CHILD LEARNS TO TRUST
WHEN HE IS IN SAFE ARMS
When should I use cuddle time?
Daily! To promote attachment and bonding.
1. When he first wakes up.
This is a great way to start your morning. Just snuggle into the bed with
him. Or wrap him in a blanket and rock him in a chair. A few minutes early
in the day, can save endless hours of frustration later.
2. When it is bedtime.
Don't send a child to bed when either of you are angry. Deal with the anger
in cuddle time. Ending the day safe in your arms will do more for the child's
ability to learn to trust than almost anything else you can do. It tells him
that no matter how awful he was that day, you do not reject him. During this
time you don't want bring up all or any of his past sins, just tell him you
love him. This can be a two or three minute cuddletime, if you can't deal
with the child any longer than that.
It is also a great time for a story--my grandpa always told me stories about me going on great and herioc adventures. I don't remember any of them now, but I do remember being held in grandpa's arms.
3. When the child is FRUSTRATED, OUT OF CONTROL, STRESSED OUT, OR STRESSING
YOU OUT.
A child who is out of control--throwing a tantrum, refusing to comply with
rules, etc.--needs to learn to trust again. He needs to find someone who is
strong enough to handle all of his feelings, even the very angry, out of control
feelings.
He may have learned from other adults that anger is the way to get what you want, to make people do what you want. He may be afraid to allow anyone else control over him. He may want to prove to himself and the world that he is big enough, mean enough, loud enough, and angry enough to take care of himself.
If his anger is ignored he may hurt himself and others. He will definitely frustrate and stress me out.
And he will not learn that I care about him or his behavior. I don't like to ignore a child's feelings. I definitely ignore insignificant behaviors while I am working towards building a sense of trust. But with feelings of anger, fear, loneliness I let the child know that I recognize that he has feelings; that I accept his feelings; and that I can handle his feelings.
Children may manipulate your time and energy.
Remember to cuddle on your terms, using your ideas, and on your time. If the
child is demanding cuddletime, and you give it to him, you have taught him
that angry, bossy, annoying behavior gets him what he want. He does not believe
that mom is cuddling him because she wants to love him.
Memorize the phrases "I know what you need", "I know how to give you love", "I know when you need cuddle time". He may not be acting like it, but he really wants to know that there is someone smarter and stronger than him who can be in control.
How do I cuddle an older child?
(for children between the age of 2-12. Most teenagers and preteens will object
strenuously to cuddling.)
Fix a bottle of warm milk or juice and place it close to where you will do
the rocking.
Wrap the child gently in a soft, cuddly blanket
Hold the child in a nurturing, prone position as you would a baby when you
feed them. Placing one of their arms behind you helps to snuggle them close
to you.
Sit in a rocking chair, or sit in a chair in which you can rock the child
with your body.
Rock the child
Use a nurturing voice to talk to him.
Try to get as much eye contact as possible.
Play games, such as putting cheerios on your nose and asking the child to
reach for them.
Play follow the leader--trace a pattern on their face, and have them trace
it on your face.
Sing softly
Tell them stories of when they were babies. If you did not know them as a
baby, tell how you would have fed them, bathed them, rocked them.
Offer them the baby bottle and feed it to them if they want it. Make certain,
for a child of any age, that you hold the bottle. Do not allow the child to
feed himself or receive it from anyone else. You are promoting the fact that
you can take care of his needs!
Rock and nurture the child until you have had 10-15 minutes of a nurturing,
mutually enjoyable rocking time.
Go through this procedure twice a day
Love enters the soul through the eyes and through touch.
I use this procedure whenever I see the child's frustration level is getting in the way of behaving appropriately. I do not use the bottle all of the time. I tell the child that I know what he needs and when he needs it. I will take good care of him.
The child may resist at first. Start with short periods of time more often--a couple of minutes several times a day. Include a story time. Telling a story is better than reading one because you can make eye contact. Telling a story about the child, even if he hears it several times a day, usually calms the child.
The child will probably keep asking to go play. Tell him that you will know when he has enough of your love inside of him. You will decide when he is done.
Dad and Kevin enjoying some early morning cuddling
(1979)
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