Parenting Foundation Responsibility

As part of our "conferences" with our children, we gave them permission to call a conference when they had a problem. The rule was that if they called the conference before we found out about the problem, then we would not discipline them---other than the natural consequences that were awaiting them.

Our hope was that the child took responsibility for his own actions. He came to us to "come clean" ---verbalize his problem. This allowed us to be in the role of guides, helping him explore possibilities to solve the problem. After deciding on a path, we supported him in his efforts to fix the problem, and then helped him evaluate his success.

Our hope was that in taking responsibility for his actions, he would gain experience in making good choices and feel good about himself.

Taking Responsibility

The child owns his problem.
- First, to avoid punishment, he must acknowledge that he has made a mistake or has a problem.
- Second, he must confront his parents with his problem. This takes courage.
- Third, he (with the help and guidance of his parents) will find a workable solution or possible alternatives.
- And last, he will evaluate his succes

Kevin took step one and called the conference

When my son Kevin was about 16, he had a very bad week. He crashed our car and our truck in one week. Please visit Kevin's room to hear more about the accidents. After the second accident, Kevin walked in, handed us the keys and asked if he could have a conference.

We knew bad news was ahead of us, so we took a moment to compose ourselves--ok, more than a moment. And parents, that is important. When the child calls the conference, schedule a time so that you have time to calm down. We are parents, not saints.

ACCOUNTABILITY

When the child is willing to call a conference, he is recognizing that he is accountable for his actions--accident or not--for fixing his own mistakes.

After much discussion, including safety on the road, etc. and after looking at many possible ways to make things right, Kevin came up with a solution which was acceptable to dad--Kevin would pay for half the repair.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
Allow the natural consequences to happen.

This makes your life easier--you don't have to think up consequences. And the child begins to recognize that for every action (even accidents) there are consequences. "Life" can teach some powerful lessons

Kevin had no vehicle available to him until the car was repaired.
We didn't have to set a rule or enforce a punishment. There wasn't anything available for him to drive.

Besides having to come up with a plan to fix the problem, Kevin also had to live with some natural consequences (so did the whole family). Consequences are sometimes hard for parents to hold their children to. But natural consequences are a part of life. The parent simply steps back and allows them to happen to the child. This gives the child a taste of the real world, without the full force of the pain of the real world. And it is nice not being the bad guy, having to take away privileges or ground the child. With natural consequences, parents can be very empathetic. "I feel your pain!"

MONITORING AND EVALUATING
This is the hard part, (other than not reacting to the initial disaster)--the follow through.

But it is also the most essential part. The child needs to be able to see that he is making progress. Children learn from their mistakes, IF they have positive feedback concerning their attempts to fix their mistakes. If we make the mistake of forgetting about the problem, the child learns he doesn't really need to fix a mistake. Or if we simply get frustrated because the child is not focusing or fulfilling his responsibility, then we are not guiding the child towards a successful conclusion.

In scheduled conferences or conferences called by the parent, the progress being made towards the solution is evaluated.
In Kevin's case, he will meet weekly with his father to make a payment, and recommit to continue to pay his debt.
At this time, the parent and the child can discuss whether this is solution is working. If it is not, then alternatives or adjustments can be discussed.

Kevin learned a lot from this experience. He and his Dad drew closer because of it. He learned to trust that his Dad would love him even when he made big mistakes. And Kevin did make more mistakes. So have Mom and Dad. And at times, we have had to ask for a conference with a child, to discuss a mistake we made that hurt them. We don't have all the answers, just some tools that help sometimes.