Hide and Seek	I Owe You a No	The Truth Cup	Think About It Book	The When Then Game	To Eat or Not To Eat
		The Lying Game	Lying isn't Funny	Time Out

PURPOSE
There are a lot of reasons to put a child in time out--punishment, time for mom to cool off, give the child time to "think about what he did", etc.

The reason I like to keep at the forefront is a time for the child to get back in control of himself.

Some basic ground rules are:

• THE TIME STARTS WHEN THE CHILD IS SITTING QUIETLY
• THE TIME IS KEPT SHORT
• THE CHILD SITS
• THE CHILD SITS IN THE SAME ROOM WHICH I AM IN

THE TIME STARTS WHEN THE CHILD IS SITTING QUIETLY

If the child refuses to sit quietly, arms folded, and no talking,

then I:

• hold the child in my arms on my lap until the child is ready to sit.
  • I encourage him to yell louder, kick harder, cry more.
  • I softly talk to him, telling him, "You are safe in my arms. I am strong enough to share all of your feelings, all of your anger, all of your saddness. Your feelings will not chase me away. I love all of you, not just the kind and happy you."
  • I continue to whisper these remarks into the child's ear until he is ready to comply with the time out.
  • I never discipline a child for anything he says while he is in my arms.
    We establish right from the beginning that if you are in mommy's arms you can be as angry as you need to be. This may include hearing words that you didn't know that your child knew.
    
    
• After the child is calm, I remind the child that he is telling me with his body that he needs my help.
  
  I tell him, "If I see You (the child) getting angry, I will know that you need my "help" with your anger and I will place you in my arms again."
  
  With some children who have serious anger and rage problems, I have spent hours holding them in my arms until they calm down.
  
  

If you have a child like this, it is wise to be working with a good therapist who understands Attachment and Bonding issues.

Boundaries

His frustration level or his ability to behave appropriately at this time, may increase his need for more defined boundaries.

The example of the child hitting his brother explains this idea. If you let him play with his brother again, and in a short time he is causing problems, then it may be necessary to have him play within your line of sight, play alone, or change activities all together--Read a book together, wash dishes together, have snacktime.

The important thing is to find a way to help the child be in control of himself by having successful experiences.

THE TIME IS KEPT SHORT

Once the child is willing to comply with the request to sit in the chair quietly, I set the timer. I generally give children (ages 12 and under) one to fifteen minute time outs--but usually they are no longer than two-five minutes.

• My reasons are:
  • I have made my point!!--"I don't like your behavior."
  • I am not having to monitor a child for a long period of time.
    
  • I can't sit still any longer than that!
    How can I expect them to have a "successful" time out if the task is impossible.
  • There needs to be an "end in sight" both for the child and the parent.
  • There needs to be a way to practice the appropriate behavior.
  • Behaving appropriately can only be done if the child is "free".
    I may decrease the child's boundries but he is "free" when he has complied with the time out.
    This means that if he was hitting his brother, I may require him to play alone for the next little while. I tell him that when he can play nicely by himself for a period of time, I will trust him to be able to play nicely with others.
  • I want the child to have a "Successful" experience.
    Some of the children I have had in my home have felt as if they have never done anything right. If they can sit for one minute with their arms folded, they get a hug and are sent on their way.
    
  • For a few minutes they were successful.

THE CHILD SITS

The child sit in a chair, with his arms folded and no talking.

Remember

• The purpose of time out is NOT to make the child feel as uncomfortable as possible.
  
  We may think that we "want" to make him feel this way--but we really "want" him to stop the behavior.
  We do not want to teach that "hurting" is power--
  
  if you can make a person feel uncomfortable enough, they will do what you want.
  
  Most of my foster children have already learned that adults can hurt them. I want to teach them to trust and love.
  
  
• A child who is standing in a corner will find a way to "make us feel uncomfortable".
  
  They will mark the wall, peel the wallpaper, or pee in the corner. They will find a way to "control" the situation.
  
  Then I am angrier and more frustrated.
  I have to think of a worse punishment to fit the crime. And he has to think up worse crimes. It becomes a vicious cycle.
  
  

THE CHILD SITS IN THE SAME ROOM WHICH I AM IN

There are two main reasons for this.

• First:   You know whether the child is behaving appropriately-- Sitting in the chair, arms folded, not talking.
  If he cannot comply, then I go back to holding him in my arms.
  Turn back to the page titled The Time Starts for an idea of "helping" the child gain control of himself.
  When a child is angry--which they will be if they get a time out--they destroy things. If you send them to their bedroom, there could be a lot of damage done.
  
  The other risk, is that the child may enjoy being in the bedroom. He may play with toys or do whatever he wants to. He may feel more comfortable isolated from the family.
  
  By having the child sitting in the same room, you are able to avoid either concern.
  
  
• Second:   The child does not get the message "I am too bad to be loved by this family, this mom.
  With all children, especially foster children, separation is very traumatic. It translates as "I am unlovable".
  
  As hard as it is for mom's, the time when the child is behaving the worst, is the time when he needs mom the most. This is another reason that holding the child in your arms is so good for the child and for mom. Our first instinct is to send the child to his room, and that solves the problem for the moment--if the child doesn't destroy the room while he is angry. In the long run, however, this increases the chances of the behavior to escalate.
  I simply continue with whatever activity that I am involved in. If I am washing dishes then the child sits in the kitchen. If I'm in the living room, then that is where the child is.

• The purpose of the time out is to have the child gain control of himself.
• He needs to recognize that his behavior is inappropriate.
• I want the child to learn that I am here to "HELP" him control himself.
• He will be happier when he can control his behavior.
• Sitting helps the child relax and gain control of his behavior.
• The more stressed and frustrated a child is, the less ability he has to behave appropriately. That is true for adults, too.
• The quicker we can reduce the stress and frustration, the sooner the child will comply.
• We teach the child "stress management" techniques--sit quietly, breathe deeply, think of alternatives.

WHEN TO USE TIME OUT WITH LEVELS

MAJOR OFFENSES If a child is injurying himself injurying other children destroying property out of control

Under these conditions I will take more drastic steps then a general time out.

I may place the child on "LINE OF SIGHT" restriction.
This means that he can only play where I or another capable individual can see exactly what he is doing. The drawbacks to this are:

• The parent's time is restricted as well.
• There seemed to be no clear guidelines of how long to keep the child on line of sight
• The child did not appear to learn appropriate behavior skills
• Line of sight became a power struggle and everyone's stress levels went up

 

One mother was in tears as she told me that she couldn't trust the child out of her sight, but the thought of never making a move without him next to her was more than she could bear.

Remember these are tough kids. This little boy was only four and had gotten out of his seatbelt and began hitting his mother on the freeway. If she turned her back, he was hitting or kicking younger children. He had several major tantrums each day. The mother had reached her stress level. Telling her that she had to keep this child in her line of sight to keep him and the other children safe was more than she could handle.

This led me to create the "time out with levels". It has been effective with some of the tougher situations

PROGRESSION THROUGH LEVELS HAS A POSITIVE INFLUENCE

• DEFINED REQUIREMENTS FOR PROGRESSION FROM ONE LEVEL TO THE NEXT
• SPECIFIC GUIDELINES AND REQUIREMENTS AT EACH OF 5 LEVELS
• DEFINED TIME PERIOD FOR EACH LEVEL
• CHILD MONITORS HIS BEHAVIOR
• CHILD EARNS PRIVILEGES AND FREEDOMS BY BEHAVING APPROPRIATELY
• POSITIVE FEEDBACK
• THERE IS AN END IN SIGHT

REQUIREMENTS TO PROGRESS FROM ONE LEVEL TO THE NEXT LEVEL: Behave according to rules of level Earn 5 positive appropriate behavior marks Ask permission to move to next level

LEVEL 5--BELT LOOP The child sits next to you (it is called belt loop because he is close enough to keep his finger in your belt loop if you were walking) Arms folded No talking Beeper or timer goes off randomly five times Child monitors his behavior If he gets the required 5 marks--behaved appropriately 5 times-- he may ask to go to next level. The child has met the requirements for level 5. The child has earned enough trust to move to level 4

LEVEL 4--TIME OUT The child sits in a chair in the same room the parent is in. No talking Child may read or draw quietly Beeper or timer goes off randomly five times Child monitors his behavior If he gets the required 5 marks--behaved appropriately 5 times-- he may ask to go to next level. The child has met the requirements for level 4. The child has earned enough trust to move to level 3

Level 3--LINE OF SIGHT--ISOLATED PLAY The child may play in the same room the parent is in (If the parent needs to fix dinner or do the laundry, the child goes with the parent.) The child must play by himself--alone Talking is optional--If the child manipulates or controls with talking, then do not allow talking. Beeper or timer goes off randomly five times Child monitors his behavior If he gets the required 5 marks--behaved appropriately 5 times-- he may ask to go to next level. The child has met the requirements level 3. The child has earned enough trust to move to level 2

Level 2--LINE OF SIGHT--INTERACTIVE PLAY The child may play with other children The child must still be within sight or hearing of parent--The parent should be nearby but does not have to be in the same room. Beeper or timer goes off randomly five times Child monitors his behavior If he gets the required 5 marks--behaved appropriately 5 times-- he may ask to go to next level. The child has met the requirements level 2. The child has earned enough trust to move to level 1

Level 1--FREEDOM The child has behaved appropriately 20 times when the beeper went off--20 good choices of behavior The child has earned a degree of trust The child has met all requirements for freedom The child is out of trouble--for the time being The usual guidelines for supervision are back in place

DEFINED TIME PERIOD FOR EACH LEVEL

• Generally, each level is fifteen minutes in length.
• If the child is young (3 or 4), or you are in a hurry that day-- five or ten minutes per level is adequate.
• Remember, you are in charge, make up your own rules--Just remember, you want the child to succeed. If you make the levels too long, the child will become too frustrated and will fail. Success will increase the desired behaviors, failure will increase the undesirable behaviors

THE CHILD MONITORS HIS BEHAVIOR Using a timer, a watch, or a beep tape that randomly plays a beep the child monitors whether he is following the rules for that level. The timer or beeper is set for random times-between one minute to five or six minutes. Each time the beep goes off, the child marks a card with an X or a / showing that he is following all of the rules--behaving appropriately. If the child gets 5 marks (or whatever amount you deem appropriate) during the specified time then he has met the requirements for that level and may move to the next level. Example: During a 15 minute period, the beeper (or mom saying beep as she watches the time) goes off five times. It goes off at 2 minutes, 4 minutes, 1 minutes, 5 minutes, and 3 minutes. Each time it goes off, the child puts a check mark on a card. At the end of 15 minutes, he has accomplished his goal--5 check marks--which translate into 5 times that he was behaving appropriately according to the rules of that level. He may then ask if he can move to the next level.

CHILD EARNS PRIVILEGES AND FREEDOMS BY BEHAVING APPROPRIATELY As the child behaves appropriately, he is able to advance to the next level. Each level is less restrictive. At each level the child "proves" that he can behave appropriately.

POSITIVE FEEDBACK The child is in an upward success spiral The child is earning trust The child sees that appropriate behavior earns more privileges The child feels successful Everyone is happier

THERE IS AN END IN SIGHT This may be the most important point. The punishment won't go on forever. There is a clearly defined path to getting to freedom. There is a clearly defined timetable also.